Friday, June 17, 2005
Of Loneliness (Long Distance Running Not Required)
It's been put to me by more than one person recently that the way I live must be lonely, or words to that effect, and I wanted to clarify how I see that.
I'm not a natural people person. I've always been an independent operator, it's an instinctive thing and I'm perfectly happy with my own company. I have a learned history of expecting people to let me down, and I find it hard to ask for help in anything, unless from someone I feel I know very well.
It means I have a habit of preferring to sort things out for myself rather than get someone else involved, and if I know what information I need and roughly where to find it, I'm happier doing that and knowing where I stand than relying on someone else. Now while this makes me good at the working things out elements of how I earn my living, it's also a good example of the problem I have when it comes to letting people in.
I know it's a problem. I'm not expecting the world to change for me.
But I also know it's a problem that's gradually becoming less of one, as I have the full historical context to measure now against. And what I like about the fact I don't have loads of people who know vast amounts of my history is that I get a better face value hearing. It's healthier for me to be challenged for what I still can't quite do than to pay too much attention to what I used to be unable to do but now can, even if it's occasionally slightly frustrating too.
I've already wasted too much time and too many tears over the pursuit of some idealised total communication relationship that may not be possible, and while I'd still love to feel someone truly knew me, I'm increasingly inclined to accept compromises in all sorts of areas I'd at one time have considered impossible.
And what it means? Well, I've already briefly suspended my exile to share my excitement at the new pink shoes, and for someone to whom sharing is not normal custom and practice, that is a healthy sign, if a minor one.
And I don't feel lonely, I feel happy that I have people I can share such things with. And I would like to share more, even if there is no switch to flick to just make it happen, however much I might wish. I'm trying.
