overlap

It really shouldn't come as any surprise that such a major event might be followed by something of a comedown, but all the same I'm still knocked sideways by just how much it's taken out of me. So much of my life has been spent with different parts rarely overlapping, not deliberately but just because that's how things have turned out, though due to its nature the sparkly part is something that's always been a vigilantly separatist element. I could tell you all about the little boy I used to be, and it wouldn't help an awful lot. I could share my theorising as to why I turned out the way I am, and if you're really that interested then it's something I'll happily explore at a later date if prompted. I could tell you all sorts of stories about stupid and less stupid things I've done with my life, but none of that lot really matters right now. What I was reminded in the starkest terms at the weekend is that the many things which I've struggled to let go of are certain to end up holding me back if I can't cut them loose, and while I could explain the reassuring, sentimental background behind one or two pieces of the jewellery I was wearing, for example, the people behind it are gone and they're never coming back in the way they were when it really mattered. Yes, I'm equally cursed and blessed with a memory that goes far beyond the call of duty. And the little reminders that sneak out of nowhere often leave me with a tiny hint of a smile. I could tell you just how much better I am at not living in the past these days, and you'd still be entitled to tell me I've got some way to go. As things stand, I'm much more giving with technical or academic information than I am with personal information and feelings, and that memory and a knack for obscure nonsense means that's playing to my strengths. But it's not playing to my needs. One of the ways in which the digital information age suits me is that I can share both information and feelings at a distance, but the convenience is a double-edged sword that leaves me a little too much room for being selectively communicative rather than just jumping in and getting on with it. I've learned to deflect conversation away from where I don't want it to go, and it means I have little middle ground between saying absolutely nothing and endless gushing. And because of how long I've been doing it, it sometimes happens as an instinctive reaction where I'd really rather it didn't. One to one is an environment I'm far happier with than one to many - it takes me a long time to get to know people well enough to be my naturally communicative self. It's in there somewhere, no, really! I had some interesting chats with various people on saturday, including ones I'd not met before and given my rabbit-in-headlightsness at the whole thing, I'd say it went ok. The next things to work on are a) binning some of the excess baggage that still gets in the way sometimes and b) turning down or switching off some of those learned reactions. I do have plenty more to me than just my sparkly side, and while it's very important to me that that is finally blossoming, I can't rely on that alone if I'm to be a proper friend and fully reciprocate the acceptance and friendship I've been shown.